Atheism and the "closet"

The reason I never spell god with a capital g, and never have since I was in high school, is because I'm an unrepentant atheist. Not since I was in elementary school have I felt like I had a deep, real belief that there is a god. I tried for years to convince myself that I could at least kinda believe in god, but I have never been able to do it. I always felt like I was trying to deliberately trick myself into something I knew wasn't right, kinda like the time I tried going on a date with a dude.

Frankly, I don't understand how anyone who has studied the history of ancient religions and the growth of the Christian church could possibly believe in any of it. For me, it is impossible to separate my knowledge of all the ways Judaism and Christianity have been invented, formed and sculpted into what it is now and any possible I might have had, or might reclaim at some point. Add evolution in, for that matter. I cannot possibly believe that any of it is real, when I've got a mountain of evidence saying that god didn't create the Earth in seven days, that Judaism borrowed the concepts of the eternal soul, angels, the afterlife, and demons, from Zoroastrianism and other sources.

I'm personally not sure whether or marvel and, or pity, people who can suspend their intelligent, logical, rational minds, minds that know just about everything I know about the matter, and still go to church and feel like it's real. It doesn't make sense that not only can these people suspend their logic and just believe, but then suppose they can take rules and regulations from an ancient desert tribe, and possibly believe that they apply to the present.

However, as sure as I am of my thoughts and feelings on this subject, it's easy for me to feel threatened and looked down upon by the Christian majority, whether or not they know I'm an atheist. They can easily make me feel like I'm a lesser being for the way I believe. And you know why? 

To a lot of people, I'm not out of the atheist closet.

I'm sure any of my readers who have gone through the coming process know the great Light At the End of the Tunnel that is gay pride. That's when we get to say, "Look, I'm done with the process of self-discovery, gotten over any internalize homophobia, and renewed myself as a gay individual, and now I get to be PROUD of it, god damn it!"  If you're gay, and not familiar with the Cass Identity Model, you might be surprised to find yourself saying "...hey...I know what that's talking about!"

I would propose that atheists and agnostics go through a fairly similar process of identity discovery, or at least I did.  I would also say that I've gone through the entire process.  Atheism is now one aspect of my personality, though I wouldn't particularly say that my distaste of Christianity has lessened.  However, when I find that I have to come out of the atheist closet all over again, I find myself going through some of the stages again.

"Well, I'm agnostic...I believe in a spiritual life..."

"Well, there could be a god, I'm just not sure..."

"You know, I'm not the only one, like 12% of Americans are, too."

And on and on.  

For instance, I'm still not out to my mom on this front.  I think my sister pretty much knows, but I don't think my dad does either.  My mom is still pushing for me and Billie to have a pastor present at our wedding, and scoffs at the idea of us having a Buddhist ceremony, even though Billie is far more devoted to Buddhism than I've been to anything (besides the study of history), ever.  So, I'm faced with a choice.  Either I come out of the atheist closet to my mom, or I dodge the bullet and tell her that we couldn't find a pastor who would marry us, and that I didn't really want one anyway.

Hm.

Wifey is always telling me that it's important to be as out as possible, usually meaning as a lesbian, but I think it's just as important to be as out as possible as a liberal, and as an atheist.  If for nothing else, it's important for people to know that people like us (whether that "us" means homosexuals, atheists, liberals, etc) out there, and that we're real, living in your communities, and not just hiding away in ivory towers.  

It's just hard, ya know?