Reason #49582045 why I love her:
She recognizes that it takes two to have a disagreement, and doesn't make everything my fault.
This seems so simple, yet for me, it's a big change from the overall tone of my life. In many aspects of my life, I've been made to feel that hurt feelings, arguments, or any problems with which I am involved are typically my fault. Enough reinforcement, and I started to make everything my fault, too! Even though my last girlfriend (the one before Billie) didn't actively make things my fault, we didn't really know how to talk to each other about feelings or anything, so I pretty much allowed myself to make things my fault, whether or not they were. My parents probably don't think they started this pattern in me, but I think they did. They both do this, too, and I think behaviors like this are picked up from parents. After all, if everyone around you speaks French, you'll speak French too, right?
Taking on this much guilt can be severely problematic. I experience random instances where I feel so much resentment and anger that it truly surprises me, and I wonder "where the hell is all of this coming from?" I'm not, by nature, an angry, violent, mean-spirited person, but in moments like that, my fundamental darkness emerges, and I don't like myself much. I think much of it comes from taking on blame throughout my life. All of the sudden, I'll get sick of everything being my fault, and my mind wants to put blame on everything else, the entire world, so that for once, I don't have to explain myself, I don't have to feel bad, and I don't have to apologize.
But, with Billie, if we get into a spat, she acknowledges her portion of the problem, we talk it out, apologize, and move on. She doesn't harp on me, she doesn't make me feel worse than I ought to, and keeps me from criticizing myself unfairly.
I love that.
Slowly but surely, I am seeing fights, arguments, and problems more clearly than ever. Isn't that awesome?
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About Me
- CR Thompson
- I'm a gay, liberal Buddhist. I love Scotch. I am an amazing cook. I wear plaid.
4 comments:
Awesome isn't even the word, my friend. This is huge because most people will never know what it feels like to properly argue. Most arrguments between couples is one person shouting and casting blame while the other sits there getting dumped on, feeling more and more shitty about themselves as time passes. But when you can argue or disagree about something, mutually take blame and make the effort to correct what was wrong...tis a beautiful thing :-)I just found that with my current girlfriend as well. It's like a breath of fresh air.
Congratulations! You're absolutely right, most people don't know what it's like to have an adult argument.
How damn sweet is this???
I heart you two :)
We heart you too, Tina. :D
Also, the word verification on this post: "busts". Bahahaha.
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