Passing As Me

Habitat for Humanity

2010-06-12T14:42:00.001-07:00

Today, I went to a Habitat for Humanity build called Power Women, Power Tools. Even though I had to wear a pink shirt, a pink tool belt and pink gloves, I had a ton of fun! I wore my flannel over the pink shirt, so my level of gender discomfort went from overwhelming to neutral. There was music, food, and women in wifebeaters and tools belts EVERYWHERE.

AND I learned how to hang drywall. Needless to say, it was lesbian paradise. I in fact did so well, and had so much fun, that I think I'm going to get a group together and go back soon!

Linus update

2010-06-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

Y'all haven't seen Linus in a long time. He's HUGE.

And he's absolutely beautiful.

So it's been a long long time.

2010-06-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, folks! Too long indeed. Maybe it's because I think I'm more interesting now, or I need something to help me associate with people, or whatever, but I want to start writing again here.

A lot has happened! I have a wonderful new job at a great catering company in Los Angeles. It makes for a hellish commute from the Gay Ghetto of Long Beach, but I'm happy there. I took a pay cut, but I'd rather make a little less, and be a lot happier, than make more and have chronic migraines.

I've been having fun with my BFF's, J, aka the Latin Lover, and Billie's cousin, who I will refer to as the Male Lesbian. We play Magic the Gathering at Denny's until 1:00 in the morning, drink port, wear flannel, and various manly things, and some not-so manly things, like make crepes together.

Billie and I adopted a dog, Frankie, but an unfortunate combination of separation anxiety (for the dog), and annoyance (for the neighbors) culminated in his moving in with my Mother In Law. He's pretty much her dog now. He goes where she goes, eats what she eats, and is now expressing the same level of off-putting territorial-ness she does. When he's at *my* house, he knows what the rules are, he's chill, and he knows not to chase the cat or jump on the couch. When he's at MIL's, all those good manners are out the window.

Alas.

In other news, this marriage shit is HARD!!! Marriage is HARD. WORK. I know that doesn't come as a shock to anyone, but good god damn! I suppose it's easy to be complacent, and not work on your issues, leading to a moderate amount of unhappiness at all times. However, complacency is not in Billie's lexicon, so we really, seriously, work on everything.

Marriage is HARD. It is not for the weak-willed. It is not for those who think there's nothing wrong with them, and who aren't willing to look within and work on their shit.

Lucky for me, I know how to do hard work, so things between us are currently golden!

Speaking of hard work, I gave up on my Master's program. I realized that my heart wasn't in it, and that if I don't have someone else setting goals for me (ie parents or a professor), regarding it, I didn't want to do it anymore. So, adios, academia.

That'll be it for today, hopefully more later!

Best regards to all,

Jess

And the circle is complete...

2009-11-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

2009-05-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

Fuck everything. I guess it's back to the voters, if we can trust them. Yeah, Billie and I are still married, but that's not much consolation when there are tens of thousands of people who can't be.

Also, hi, now the Supreme Court has created a special class of gay people who are legally married... this doesn't BOTHER anyone? WTF?

WE WON!!! Ooops...

2009-05-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

Hey folks, I know I've been scare, but I'll post a real post soon. I just wanted to say....

WE WON!!!!

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-gaymarriage16-2008may16,0,6182317.story?page=1

Nevermind, the article my friend emailed to me this morning was dated to last year, 2008. Note to self: check the dates on articles before spreading good news around.

What's up with blow jobs?

2009-04-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Okay guys, you gotta help me out. I see so much writing coming from butches about loving blow jobs, and femmes loving to give them, and frankly, I don't get it. Now, I like to strap it on as much as the next guy, but I don't get the attraction.

It's not that we haven't tried it, because we have. And yes, I admit that it's a nice visual, and when your lady knows how to press the base just right, it's nice, but that's about as far as I want to take it. I wouldn't be able to get off that way. In my mind, why not eliminate the silicone barrier?

So, fans of the lesbian blow job, please fill me in. Please!

Meme, stolen from greg!

2009-04-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Five names you go by:
1. Jessie
2. my real name (GASP, you mean that's not your real name?!)
3. My real name shortened to the first 5 letters
4. Cricket, according to Billie
5. Aragorn, son of Arathorn? (I don't collect nicknames, it seems)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. green t-shirt
2. glasses
3. black sweatshirt

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. to go home
2. to read in the park
3. to have a hearty breakfast

Two things you did last night:
1. mailed my application for a new job
2. watched porn, and well, ya know. (me too, greg!)

Two things you ate today:
1. coffee
2. an apple

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. mom
2. my boss

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. Latin study-fest
2. going to Billie's sister's birthday

Two longest car rides:
1. driving from Ohio to Iowa. Every road we were taking was under construction
2. Last time I went to SF, we left at 9:00pm and didn't get there until well after 3 in the morning.

Two of your favourite beverages:
1. amaretto sour (or amaretto and tonic)
2. beer

You know what's awesome?

2009-03-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

Having crazy L-Word, dyke-porn (real dykes, not fake dykes), simultaneous-orgasm, crazy, mind-blowing sex. The kind of sex that requires a post-sex cigarette and Oreo. The kind of sex that slaps a silly grin across your face for half an hour afterwards. The kind of sex that lets you know that really, everything's going to be okay.

I've been tagged!

2009-03-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Leo, and now I have to list some things about a chosen topic. My topic? Fantasy literature.

1. You've got to post a link from the person who tagged you.
2. List 8 things that you know about on your chosen subject. You get to choose the subject.
3. You don't have to tag anyone but you can if you want. If you do, let them know on their blog that they've been tagged.
4. List the rules.

LL Cool Joe adds: "So the idea is to write 8 things about a subject, eg. your job, marriage, sexuality, a hobby, diet, sport etc. that sheds light on the subject from your own personal perspective. So for example if you teach, you list some of the "inside" knowledge that you've gained, making your work more interesting or successful."

1. I consider fantasy one of the more difficult genres for a writer. The author has the job of creating a world, and convincing the reader to be able to believe it. Russell Kirkpatrick does this job well, by using familiar words and names for things, setting up a one-god world and using a fairly classic west vs. east setting. Other authors, who use the modern world, and incorporate fantastic elements, such as Jim Butcher, have an easy time doing this, but some, like Kirkpatrick, do the opposite, use a few familiar words and ideas in an otherwise invented world. If an author can't get the world right, the story won't take off at all.

2. Fantasy, especially high fantasy such as Tolkien, is more male-centered, and ought to offend my feminist sensibilities, but it doesn't.

3. Fantasy authors often have an academic background in something other than creative writing. Tolkien had language, Le Guin had anthropology. Because of this, I've often thought about using my historical knowledge to write stories instead of teach classes.

4. I consider history and fantasy to be very related, because of the breadth of topics one can select from when confronting either topic, and because there's a creative and an analytical component to both.

5. Fantasy also has roots as old as humanity. We're naturally attracted to stories of good versus evil, stories that explain things, and stories that make us feel special. This is why religion is popular! *wink wink*

6. I think fantasy can probe questions about religion and morality in a deeper way than fiction, mostly because of the invented universe. The injustices, problems, and nonsensical whims of an invented universe can emphasize the absurdities of the real universe. Just take the Golden Compass, for instance.

7.... I can't think of another one...

8. And for these reasons, I think fantasy is one of the most seriously under appreciated genres of literature. Sure, it has a large fan following, but it's typically regarded as fluff by most people. It's like the Best Animated Film award at the Oscars.

I tag:

Billie

Holden

Kyle

FIMG

greg

and

Rhett

It's been such a long time.

2009-02-24T08:41:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel today:

It's my sister's fault. She came over last night so that I could bring her to the therapist Billie and I see. Every time she visits, something happens. Last night, she lost her keys, so we combed the pavement outside the apartment, got her car opened by AAA, searched the entire car, searched the entire apartment, only to find them later, tucked in the couch right next to her.

Sigh.

Also, I did six loads of laundry last night. I'm tired.

Anyway, as you can see, I got a haircut! I went to the same barber shop as last time, where the owner and barber remembered me (I'm pretty sure they're a couple), and gave me very nice treatment. The owner mentioned that most traditional barber shops won't serve women, if they even let them in the door. While that strikes my feminist sensibilities rather uncomfortably, I can understand the need for men to have their own "male space." However, they often don't seem to notice that many spaces are male spaces.

In any instance, I'm glad that a space exists for women to get their hair cut in a shop that's not frilly, reeking of hairspray and dye and full of gossiping beauticians. I'm certainly not butch enough to go to a traditional barber shop, but hair salons for women make me deeply uncomfortable. Every time I enter one, I feel like I've been teleported back to high school, and the time my mom dragged me in, had my hair highlighted all blonde, and let the stylist put curlers in it. Remember that scene from Beauty and the Beast, where the candle and the clock try to make the Beast look classy and put curlers and bows in his hair? And then the Beast snarls at them? Yeah, that's how I felt.

The barber did a great job, as usual. She even used hot lather on the back of my neck and my sideburns and cleaned them up with a straight razor! She put stuff in my hair that smelled amazing, too. What service! And at $15, what a value! I highly recommend The Barber Shop on Cherry ave, in Long Beach, CA.

Families and things

2009-02-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

I've been inspired by Lesbian Dad to write about kids. Billie and I want to have kids. Even though I've been passing myself off as the "Oh Hell No!" type when it comes to kids, my heart has softened, and I'd like some of my own to contribute to the world. Even more than kids in general, I want a boy, dammit! I know Billie has her heart set on having a daughter, and I'd be perfectly happy having one of each.

Maybe it's a bit selfish of me, but I'd like to have one to do the "dad" things with that my dad never did with me. Feel free to analyze that all you want. Maybe it's selfish, maybe I'm looking to fill an emotional hole that I can fill by myself, maybe I don't need to contribute to overpopulation, and maybe I'll need to be extra-super-duper careful that I'm not foisting off my burdens from my parents on to another generation, but I think between Billie and me, we can raise a respectful, creative, intelligent and progressive young man.

I just hope he doesn't get the bald gene.

Hot damn!

2009-02-20T08:41:00.001-08:00

This marriage stuff is HARD WORK! Our witness at the ceremony wasn't fucking kidding!

Her: "It takes a lot of work, but it pays off!"

Me, internal monologue: "Please, everyone says that. 'OH ITS SO HARD LULZ!!' Whatever, nothing has ever been hard for me. Everything is easy for me! Wheee!"

Me, speaking to her: "Aw, thank you. I'm sure it does, but I think we're in for the long haul."

It's true. Everything in my life comes easily to me. History, work, music, finding jokes, cooking, making friends, school, everything! Even losing weight, when I really put my mind to it. Everything, apparently, except keeping my wife happy for extended periods of time.

My words of advice to those of you who would like to get married and live together: Don't scoff at advice people who've been there before give you! There is truth in everything.

In other news, I ran my best mile EVER the day before yesterday, and I'm excited to see if I can top it tonight. Wish me luck!

Last one of the day, I promise!

2009-02-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

I got Linus a little collar. He hates it. This must be why he bites me so much.

Fitness results so far

2009-02-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I did my best mile yet. I've taken my time for two miles down four and a half minutes! At this rate, I'll be at a ten minute mile in no time. I should sign up for a 5K or something. I know that a ten minute mile isn't a good time by any standard except my own, but I will be very pleased when I get there. I also increased my arm curl and chest and lat weights. Success: Yes, I Can Has!

I've noticed that in the morning I'm significantly slimmer than I am by nightfall, which is interesting. Beer also tends to make me more bloated than anything else, so... goodbye for now, old friend. I also have less fat on my legs and arms, and my butt is firmer. My under-chin area also has less fat on it, so yay.

I also got myself a proper sports bra yesterday, and it's comfy. I think I probably baffled the cashier with my assortment: sports bra, men's running pants, lotion and men's body wash. I know that the scent of one's body wash doesn't really matter, but I'd rather not smell like lilacs or ocean breeze, thanks.

I've also been on a mad hunt for new interesting music. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment!

Facebook silliness and politics

2009-02-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

Pre Prop 8: I was facebook-friends with many Mormons I knew and was friends with in high school and jr. high.

Post Prop 8: Those people have removed me from their friends lists.

Oh, facebook.

In other news

2009-02-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

I took another minute and thirty seconds off my two mile time, and back up to a 35 pound arm curl. Verily, I am making progress!

But you know what's irritating? I don't think I'm actually losing any body fat! Stupid desk job.

More on my personal issues.

2009-02-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

Reason #49582045 why I love her:

She recognizes that it takes two to have a disagreement, and doesn't make everything my fault.

This seems so simple, yet for me, it's a big change from the overall tone of my life. In many aspects of my life, I've been made to feel that hurt feelings, arguments, or any problems with which I am involved are typically my fault. Enough reinforcement, and I started to make everything my fault, too! Even though my last girlfriend (the one before Billie) didn't actively make things my fault, we didn't really know how to talk to each other about feelings or anything, so I pretty much allowed myself to make things my fault, whether or not they were. My parents probably don't think they started this pattern in me, but I think they did. They both do this, too, and I think behaviors like this are picked up from parents. After all, if everyone around you speaks French, you'll speak French too, right?

Taking on this much guilt can be severely problematic. I experience random instances where I feel so much resentment and anger that it truly surprises me, and I wonder "where the hell is all of this coming from?" I'm not, by nature, an angry, violent, mean-spirited person, but in moments like that, my fundamental darkness emerges, and I don't like myself much. I think much of it comes from taking on blame throughout my life. All of the sudden, I'll get sick of everything being my fault, and my mind wants to put blame on everything else, the entire world, so that for once, I don't have to explain myself, I don't have to feel bad, and I don't have to apologize.

But, with Billie, if we get into a spat, she acknowledges her portion of the problem, we talk it out, apologize, and move on. She doesn't harp on me, she doesn't make me feel worse than I ought to, and keeps me from criticizing myself unfairly.

I love that.

Slowly but surely, I am seeing fights, arguments, and problems more clearly than ever. Isn't that awesome?

Continued Win!

2009-02-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

Took my time for two miles down another minute and twenty seconds! Wooo! This now puts me at a 15 minute mile, which I know isn't good by any standard, but it's good for me, so I'm still glad.

Billie and I had friends over on Saturday for pork roast, potatoes and salad and a Xena marathon. Awesome times were had, since we watched the very sexy vampire episode. Mmmm...Gabrielle.... Though honestly, if I had to pick between Xena and Gabrielle, I couldn't. They both appeal to me. I love Gabrielle's demure with a dangerous edge and amazing abs thing, but I would also totally let Xena do whatever she wanted to me, my soft spot for brunettes standing.

Billie was always a big fan of Hercules, which I never watched. She got a season of it recently, and I rather like it, though I find his bangs-and-feathered-layers hairdo a little distracting.

Sunday, I played more D&D with the same group, except this time we picked up a half-elven paladin, who is fun to poke fun at. We're having a good time, and I leveled up, so now I'm a super-buff ranger with 20 hit points and extra ranks in Use Rope and Listen! If only I could be as awesome in real life as I am on paper... oh well.

I'm getting my head back in the game as far as Latin goes, so last Saturday was more successful than the previous week. Still need to work on my thesis, though!

Made of win!

2009-02-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, many good things happened.

I stood up to my mom when she invaded my privacy by opening my mail.

I ran/walked two miles and took 30 seconds off my last time! Woot!

Billie picked out her wedding dress and we're going to order it on Monday! YAY!

And today:

My dark jeans fit much better than they did when Billie and I went to Disneyland. SUCCESS!

Another rant.

2009-02-05T10:10:00.001-08:00

I was listening to NPR yesterday, and some guy from a Christian charity was whining about how if faith-based charities can't "use the Bible to guide hiring and firing decisions" then these groups will lose their "Purpose and drive." Well guys, if your purpose and drive were so fucking fragile in the first place that having someone on your staff who you might not entirely agree with broke it, then maybe you shouldn't have been a charity in the first place.

Then the same douchebag said that if the federal government tried to enforce hiring practices on faith-based groups, then "Well, we'd have to walk away from those (federal) grants." Awww, darn! You mean you won't take my money anymore if you have to hire a dirty homosexual? Poor you!

No. Fuck you! You want federal money? Then behave and show us that you deserve it.

This just pisses me off. I see that Obama is trying to implement a seperation between church and state, and no favoritism towards any one particular group, which some liberals might think is pretty cool. In a way, it's a step in the right direction, because here we have an actual recognition of the seperation between church and state that's been so hotly contested. However, making a government office all about faith-based initiatives is actively blurring that line considerably. I absolutely do not want my taxes going to this pile of crap. Why can't we put more focus on nonreligious charities and initiatives?

And this is just precious: "The president will also appoint Joshua DuBois, a 26-year-old Pentecostal minister who headed religious outreach for Obama's Senate office and later his campaign, to lead the partnerships office and name 25 religious and secular leaders to a new advisory board."

A PENTECOSTAL? You mean the speaking in tongues, faith healing, crazy kind of Christian? The kind of church that made my coworkers kids cry because they were so scared? Oh, that's fantastic.

Dungeons and Dragons!

2009-02-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I played my very first game of Dungeons and Dragons with my roommate Woody and two of his friends. I was so damn excited! I was instructed to look through the player's handbook and figure out what race, class and alignment I wanted. Since reading Dragonlance, I've decided that a half-elven Ranger is the most obvious choice for a D&D character, and that's what I picked. I have named him Hurin Telcontar and he has two swords and a longbow! My alignment is neutral good, and my party includes a druid gnome and a half-orc monk. It should prove to be an interesting campaign with such a diverse group.

When I'm done writing his character background, I'll post it here. So far, he's the bastard halfling son of a royal elvish prince, and gets exiled with his human mother to the north.

I'm trying to work on a picture, too, which is going to be hard considering the fact that I can't draw for shit!

Oh, mom...

2009-01-30T08:46:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick break down of how my conversation with my mom went last night:

Me: I'm at Target getting running shoes.

Mom: I'm so proud of you for making a commitment to being healthy!

Me: It's mostly so I can look good at the wedding, but it's fun and I like it.

Mom: You should have babies.

Okay, I admit that it wasn't quite as non-sequiter as I made it sound, but that's basically how it went. Let me make this perfectly clear. When I was a wee lad and first found out where babies came from, I was completely horrified. I think my terror about childbirth definitelty enhanced my already skewed gender identification, and it's never gone away. I can watch it on TV, read about it, and be perfectly happy when other women go through it, but absolutely not me. No way, Jose.

Me: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen, I don't want to carry children.

Mom: Well, you could change your mind.

Yeah mom, that's what you said about the gay thing, the history thing and the butch thing.

Dear Dad (part 2)

2009-01-28T15:03:00.001-08:00

Dear Dad,

Thank you for all the silly text messages you send me throughout the day. Even though you can't seem to figure out how to spell on the phone, that's ok, because I can usually figure out what you're trying to say. I enjoy the many Lord of the Rings, Young Frankenstein, and Star Wars jokes you send me.

Thank you for starting to say "I love you" back to me on the phone. Also, thank you for calling more often! You're so nice to talk to! You're very funny.

I'm glad that you're opening up to me about your hopes, fears, and dreams, particularly regarding mom and Lindsey. I'm glad that even through all the crap that's happened to you, you have a shred of hope to hold on to.

Thank you for finally noticing that after all these years, I was always the one who liked you best.

Love,

Your Eldest.

I wish I could send my dad a letter like that. I think he'd appreciate it, but I also think a lot of what I said above gets expressed in our conversations lately, and I don't want to burden him with too much emotion, heh.

It's true. With a little bit of effort, the bond between me and my dad is becoming closer, less muddled, more jovial. All the things I wanted! Billie and I are planning on going to Murrieta to watch the Super Bowl with him, and I think he will really enjoy that.

I was planning on this post to talk about Buddhism, but I'm not feeling up to writing anything deep right now. Soon, though.

Exercise is going well. I ran/walked two miles yesterday. Unfortunately for part of the time, I was next to an extremely obnoxious middle-aged man who walked up to the bikes with his buddy, slapped the saddle and said "Let's warm up on these bad boys!" and proceeded to talk smack on random people at the gym. Bud, next time you want to insult people's looks, maybe you should grow a foot taller and get some of your hair to move from your back to the top of your head. Just my suggestion.

Yesterday was pretty nice. Billie and I got some pita wrap sandwich things from a place called Sahara Falafel in Anaheim, where there is a large Middle Eastern population up and down Brookhurst. I went to the gym, came home, played with Linus, and then played with Billie. All in all, a good night!

Latin begins again this Saturday, and have I reviewed or studied at all? Not really, no. I'm a horrible student!

Exercise!

2009-01-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's New Year's Resolution time. Though I am known for pointedly NOT making New Years Resolutions, my hand was forced this time. In order to prepare for the official wedding in November between me and my dearest love, I need to be in better shape! I'm starting to jog (yesterday was Day 3 of Learning to Jog for Beginners), a thing I've never done before, and I'm doing weight training much more regularly at the gym. My idea is to get into good enough shape to where I can start Kung Fu, and not make a complete idiot out of myself.

I also think that exercise can be an area where I can discuss gender a bit, so here goes.

One thing I've definitely noticed is how gendered the gym is. Women and men equally use the cardio equipment, but as far as the other training areas go, women go for the leg weights and floor exercises, more masculine men are in the free weights area (along with a few women who have abs you could wash clothes on) and it seems that the less masculine, less muscular men use the upper body weight machines.

Wanna guess which area I fit in? Whether or not you chose to guess, I typically stick with the upper body machines. It lets me focus on the areas I want to build up (back, shoulders, arms, chest), in a "safe" way. I used to work out with my sister, who for a time, was fitness crazy, so I know proper form for free weights. I could probably do just fine next to the guys bench pressing hundreds of pounds, but I (along with many others) don't venture over there. It's an exclusive zone, and everyone seems to know it, however unspoken. I have the sense that my reasons for not going over there, that those men are intimidating, that I don't belong there, that I'm not in good enough shape, are the same reasons other men might have that keep them from the free weights, too. This is just one more area that makes me question how well I carry my butch demeanor.

However, I'm not too bothered by it, because I tend to put on muscle very easily. Already, within a week or so of active gym time, I can feel my arms, chest and shoulders firming up again, and that makes me feel good. I tend to neglect my legs. In my mind it seems too girly to work on my inner thigh muscles when I could be toning my back, and I always tell myself that my legs are too tired from cardio to do any more weights.

I know I ought to pay attention to my entire body, equally, but first, I have to stop paying attention to gender. We'll see when that happens!

Wish me luck on my goal to lose 30-40 this year!

2009-01-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Wifey is doing some amazing things over at 29temptations, blogging about how we're making January the Best Month Ever. So, I'd like to talk about one of my goals. Billie and I have in mind to save $20K by November. Right now, I have just under $2,000 in savings (pretty good for after Christmas!) so, by the end of the month of January, my goal will be to have another $400-500 in savings. I think I can do it!

The reason for the Big Savings Plan is that by November, we'll be having out little wedding ceremony, and we'll be taking off on our honeymoon for either New Zealand or Ireland. We can't decide!

I'll be posting soon on my findings on how many commandments god breaks in the bible, so keep an eye open for it.

Fuckers couldn't leave well enough alone...

2008-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

Mother fucking Ken Starr filed a case to get the 18,000 marriages that were LEGALLY PERFORMED in California, MINE INCLUDED, nullified.

Asswipe.

Here's a thing to check out at the Courage Campaign.

I'm so horrified and full of rage right now.

The Christmas Meme

2008-12-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper. It's more satisfying to open.

2. Real tree or artificial?
I love real ones, though my roommate Shannon and I had a fake one when we were super broke all the time. It came with lights on it already and was something like $15 at the Walmart.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Sometime in December. I don't really have a schedule for these things.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Whenever the mood strikes, usually after New Years.

5. Do you like eggnog?
I love it, but I usually cut it with milk and add more nutmeg.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
MY BIKE.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
I had one in my house when I was a kid, but there will be no nativity in my house.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
Mom and Dad. They both have things they like, but they're not really giftable.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
My roommate Woody. Shopping for him is like shopping for myself.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received?
An extremely over-sized flannel nightgown. Really? Really?

11. Mail or E-mail Christmas card?
I prefer mailed ones, though Billie and I haven't gotten around to doing it yet.

12. Favorite Christmas movie?
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the claymation one.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Before Thanksgiving if I remember to.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
I always end up with multiple bath sets (you know, salts, body wash, glycerin soap, a bath foofy that all match) and I always end up giving those away.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
My dad always makes prime rib on Christmas, and any meat my dad touches automatically turns into gold.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
Colored! Waaay more fun.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
I like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, or most other secular songs. As for non-traditional ones, U2's version of Baby Please Come Home is amazing, and Bruce Springsteen has some great holiday songs, too.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home. I'll travel for other holidays, but if someone wants me to fly out to their house so that I can crash on the couch, they can blow me.

19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer?
Yes, but only if I sing them in song form.

20. Do you have an angel on top of the tree or a star?
We've got a crappy star that we got at Walmart the same day we got the old fake tree. It's pretty tacky, and doesn't really fit the top of the tree, so it's always tilted, but no one has the energy to get a new topper.

21. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?
Usually Christmas morning, though I usually get a few early when we exchange with various friends.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
Shopping and worrying about how much you're buying for who and will someone be offended because they're gift isn't as good, oh, and when workers get trampled to death!

Dear Dad,

2008-12-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

Recently, two people, Jess and Sinclair, wrote about their relationships with their male role models, Jess' grandfather, and Sinclair's dad. Even though we as a community have a lot of fun messing with genders, roles, clothes, and expectations, you can't shake off what your family has given you very easily, if you want to shake it off at all.

Billie's mom, my mother-in-law, upon seeing my dad for the first time, said to me "Oh, you favor your father!" I beamed at this. We look a bit alike, we have the same stupid smile, laugh at the same jokes, and watch Westerns and Bond marathons. He taught me how to ski. I have his boxy hands, his soft brown hair, and his build.

Even though he's always been there while I did the business of growing up, I've realized my dad is a great mystery to me. He drinks, he watches sports, works. I don't know his thoughts or feelings on a lot, other than the Cubs and welfare. Did he ever want a son? How does he feel about me, his eldest? What did he really want out of life?

I spent a few years in high school trying to pry secrets out of his past. I looked through old photo albums for pictures from before when my parents were married. Turns out dad was a golfer, a photographer, and grew tomatoes. His dad was a full-blooded Scot who's parents moved here from Glasgow. He spent time in South Africa, and lied about his age to get on a ship back to the US to fight in the war. He was a paratrooper who dropped on the beach at Normandy, living through the battle that took the life of my grandma's (his future wife's) fiance at the time. Grandpa was no hero, though. My aunt says he was abusive, especially towards my dad, the eldest son, but he'll never acknowledge that anything happened. Dad went to UCLA as a math major, skied in Utah and Tahoe with his brother, Bill, chewed tobacco on the ski lifts, and had an old blue Toyota truck with a KLOS sticker on the steering wheel. He played baseball as a kid, and had issues with weight, just like me. He had longish hair and a penchant for denim jackets and plaid shirts that made him look like Eric Clapton in my mind.

Somewhere along the way, in being turned into a husband and father, he lost himself. I hope he finds himself again before it's too late. I think my sister might say that it's already too late, but who knows.

I guess I've learned from him that you make sacrifices and take on burdens for the ones you love, because that's how he knew how to be a man, and how to be a father and husband.* I wonder if I actually learned any masculinity from him. Have I just learned his quirks, his faults, his ways, his karma? I will admit that I feel as though I've been spat out on to the adult world, not knowing what a father provides in a family, or how one should best interact with their wife. Poor Billie. I've got a lot of learning to do. She loves me, though, and I love her back, and she has patience for miles when it comes to me.

Actually, I've probably learned more about what not to do, while being a spouse and (future) parent. Don't lose your interests, your friends, your hobbies. Don't sacrifice so much that you become resentful. Don't forget to make time to be with your wife. Don't let a day go by when she doesn't know how much she's loved by you. Don't let your children think that you don't have a past. Don't let your children think you're a mystery.

There were no real male figures in my life that I could look up to. My grandfather on my dad's side died when I was young, and we were estranged from his family, so I don't know my uncle well at all. On my mom's side, HiGuy as he gets called, has always been a goofy, fun fellow, but after my grandma died, his emotional presence in my life hasn't been great, and my mother's brother, Brian, wasn't particularly available as a role model, either. His son, Michael, was treated like the golden child in the family because he was the only boy (and I can't count the number of times I thought to myself "Hey, what about me!").

So, with no tradition, no rules, no tips, to be inherited, what am I left with? Is this why I feel like my masculine identity is a fraud? I look the look, walk the walk, talk the talk, but I feel as though I don't own it. My identity in this way feel as though it is scraps of my friends and other lesbians I've seen, stitched together into something that feels like it might fit. The pieces I've picked up from my dad fit in here. I call Billie "dear," like I heard my dad say so many times over the years. I still ski when my sister snowboards. I know how to grill onions, steak, and fish.

I know my mom took up a lot of my and my sister's attention growing up. The emotional wedge she drove in between my dad and I (unwitting as it might be), is going to resound through the rest of my life. I know the way to fix it is to talk to my dad, bond with him, learn about him, but honestly, I have no idea how to even start.

*I guess I also learned how to lay a brick patio and install hardwood floors, but that's not really very hard.

It's Friday!

2008-12-12T08:22:00.001-08:00

I'd rather be

But my skiing skills aren't too good, so really it would be more like this:

Or more accurately:

It's sad to me that when I go to the local mountains to ski, I'm the only person on skis under 40 and over 8. Parents usually start their little kids on tiny skis, and now those kids are moving over to snowboards, while their parents continue to ski. I hope it's just California where people are almost completely abandoning skiing.

Abomination Stew

2008-12-03T14:12:00.001-08:00

In an effort to be as contrary and offensive to as many people as possible, I'd like to create a dish of some sort that contains as many religious dietary restrictions as possible in it. So far, it has to contain pork, beef, shellfish and wine. I think that takes care of Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and the Mormons. If anyone knows of anymore religious dietary restrictions, please let me know!

Kitten Care

2008-12-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Linus is becoming more of a handful than any other cat I've ever had. I'm afraid that since we're not home to keep him company during the day, he just sits around bored, sleeping, reserving his energy for when we get home. Last night, he was a nightmare! He'll follow me around in the kitchen, talking to me, climbing my legs, begging for peoplefood (which he doesn't normally get, except for what he can steal when our backs are turned!), and getting in to the cupboards and climbing on the table. Just when we thought we'd trained him out of going on the kitchen table, he's doing it again! Argh!

He's better on the weekends, when we're home and can mess around with him all day. I try to play with him as much as possible on the weekdays when I get home to wear him out, but it doesn't seem to be enough. He'll sleep on me for about fifteen minutes around 8:30 or so, but then perks right back up as soon as he wakes up.

He's also getting horrible about getting his nails cut. The first time, Billie was able to get through three paws, no problem, before he rebelled. Now, I'm lucky to get through three claws while he struggles to get away. With my older cat, Cookie, who I lost last year, I would stick her in a pillowcase, or wrap her up in a blanket to clip her nails. She was feral when we first got her, and was prone to nail infections, so I'd assume she would be more adverse to nail clipping than a cat raised by humans. But Linus, goddammit, has no excuse! We clip them fairly often, so it's not like he's not used to it. I guess he's going to be a pillowcase cat too.

He has developed one more cute/annoying habit. Turns out this cat LOVES wrapping paper. He'll bite it while I try to wrap presents, and has learned how to pick up and carry a roll by one of the ends. Even though it's incredibly annoying to chase him around to get my paper back, it's also cute to see a little cat dragging a giant roll of wrapping paper around.

Oh Linus. Either you'll make me lose my mind, or forge me into a more patient person.

Been a while!

2008-12-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted! For a quick catch-up:

1. I turned 25, and I am now a quarter century old!
2. I met many members of Billie's family on Thanksgiving, and subsequently had a ~~fight~~ debate over gay marriage at the dinner table.
3. I'm taking another semester to write my thesis prospectus, then hopefully I'll be starting the thesis itself over the summer.
4. Linus continues to grow, and might actually be a tiny ninja in a fur suit.
5. I lost my health insurance on my birthday, which is already starting to ruin my life. Grr.

Aaaand now for something that's actually on-topic!

Butch fashion, and specifically, accessorizing.

A fairly common faux pas I see among my butch brethren is over-doing the cool little masculine details in ones' outfit. The other day, I saw one wearing a newsboy-style hat, vest, suspenders (both? really?), a bandanna tied about the wrist, a hefty leather watch, and gauged ear lobes. Now, I love me a good hat and leather wrist cuff, but when you heap too many details on, you end up looking more like you're wearing a costume, not like you're taking yourself seriously.

Same goes for formal wear. As totally awesome as your tie, vest, pocket square, cufflinks, pocket watch, suspenders, etc are, don't wear them all together. Of course, all of these things could potentially go together in a three-piece suit, which are coming out in more modern, updated cuts, and are totally awesome. However, when you try to heap a blazer, tie, and vest together, particularly in a heavy material like velvet, for instance, you're adding a lot of layers to your upper body that will probably make you look a lot bigger than you actually are. All those little details can pile up to make you very visible, and really, shouldn't that lovely lady on your arm be attracting the attention?

So, here's a hint. Take your base outfit, whether it's jeans and a t-shirt, or slacks and a dress shirt, or a suit, pick one awesome detail to add in. If this feels boring to you, find patterns that work for what you're going for. However, patterns can be abused just as much as accessories, so don't overdo it on the patterns either. For instance, distressed jeans already have a look about them, and will affect your appearence all by themselves. In men's fashion, details count, even details like the triangle of white peeking out from underneath your polo shirt.

Please remember that Johnny Depp is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear eight necklaces, three bracelets on each wrist, a hat, and bandannas tied around his neck and waist.

And another thing: Pants that fit. Jesus christ, wear pants that fit. Some women are notorious for buying clothes too small, simply because they think that they ought to be wearing that size. Butches, you do it too, sometimes. If you *feel* like you ought to be wearing 32's, your hips might not actually agree. Now, it can be hard for women to find men's pants that fit. Luckily, Target's Mossimo brand works perfectly for me, so I'm all set, but not everyone lucks out like I have. My advice is to look around, try lots of pairs on, and don't pay attention to sizes. Women's sizes are notoriously arbitrary, but men's sizes can be weird, too. You'd think a 34 would be the same everywhere you go, but they can fluxtuate.

Friday picture challenge: What I'd rather be doing

2008-11-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

Transgender Day of Remembrance

2008-11-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance. Even though I don't identify as a transsexual, I am very proud of every single person who has had the strength to step up and do the business of making their body match their mind.

These murders are so disturbing, in my mind, because of the absolute disgust the perpetrators must have had for their victims. To me, it seems so inconceivable to be threatened by a person to the extent that you want to kill them. What kinds of problems did these perpetrators have? What were they trying to prove? How godly they are? How manly they are? Manly enough to get a blow job from a prostitute, and then manly enough not to let her live once he found out what that person had gone though? Makes me fucking sick.

I've been looking through the lists of dead here, and what I think bothers me the most is the number of "Unknown" people who were murdered. To be unknown in death is the final way to strip someone's humanity. Some of these people had already their families, friends, and financial stability in pursuit of themselves, and to lose what little they had left, a name, is inhuman.

The Remembering Our Dead website lists 353 entries, though I am positive there are hundreds more we don't know about, "Unknowns" who will remain eternally unknown, all because of who they were. I think it's important, on this day, to remember that transgendered people also face an elevated risk of suicide, just like gay and lesbian teenagers. Here, in Southern California, I am lucky that there are several LGBT centers, offering counseling and other services, but the rest of the world isn't like this. That's why it's important to be as out as you can be, so that when young people see us, they know they have a future, and that they can grow up to be who they want to be.

Barbara (William) Brodie

Location: Feltonville, Pennsylvania
Cause of Death: Internal injuries: the liver, abdomen, and lungs were punctured when a blunt instrument was inserted in Brodie’s rectum.
Date of Death: January 3, 1981
Source: Philadelphia Inquirer, January 5, 1981 and Philadelphia Daily News, January 5, 1981

Chiron Collins (Allen Kenneth Byrd)

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Cause of Death: 42 stab wounds to the head, neck, face, and arm by Theodore Roebuck.
Date of Death: May, 1984
Source: Philadelphia Daily News, May 4, 1985
Notes: Theodore Roebuck was convicted of murder, and sentenced to a 40-year state prison term.

Luana (Junior da Silva Lago)

Location: Salvador, Bahia, Brazil
Cause of Death: Drowned
Date of Death: August 4, 1998
Source: Grupo Gay da Bahia
Notes: Police forced Luana and another transvestite sex worker to throw themselves into the sea, after humiliating and torturing them. Luana drowned.

James Jerome Mack

Location: Buffalo, New York
Cause of Death: Beaten with beer bottles, sexually assaulted with a broom handle, strangled with an electrical cord and then drowned in a bathtub. His body was later set on fire in a trash can behind a church
Date of Death: January 21, 2001
Source: The Associated Press, February 23, 2001
Notes: Mack was not himself transgendered, but was the lover of a transgendered woman. On January 21, 2001 he was beaten with beer bottles, sexually assaulted with a broom handle, strangled with an electrical cord and then drowned in a bathtub. His body was later set on fire in a trash can behind a church.

playing along

2008-11-13T09:51:00.001-08:00

I'll follow the wife's example and make two lists.

Things I like about the morning:
1. Snooze button
2. Waking up next to my baby
3. Releasing Linus from the bathroom and watching him do weird stuff
4. Brushing my teeth, I love brushing my teeth
5. Being the first one to work
6. Carpooling with wifey
7. Listening to NPR
8. Coffee

Things I don't like about the morning:
1. Traffic
2. The fact that it's morning and I can't be asleep anymore
3. Cricks that might be in my neck
4. Trying to figure out how to deal with the cowlick
5. Not being first to the office
6. Being tired at work

One more picture

2008-11-12T13:05:00.001-08:00

Since I know you were all waiting with baited breath, here's the front.

On hair

2008-11-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

If you know me well, you know how much I love my hair. I have fantastic hair. It's thick, shiny, has natural highlights, and really is one of my best features.

Unfortunately, I'm also paranoid about bad haircuts. As a result, I usually get my hair cut once every three months or so, and let it grow out so long that you can't tell what the original style was in the first place. I just never found a place I knew I could go and actually get what I wanted, but finally, I have found that place. It is the Long Beach Barber Shop. A barber shop where lesbians can go and get lesbian hair! So finally, yesterday, for $20 (with tip), I now have the lesbian hair of my dreams!

Here's a picture of my hair right before the cut. This is me at Halloween pretending to be John McCain:
You can tell from my expression just how unhappy I am about the length of my hair.

And here are two shots of my new hair. You can tell how happy I am from the smile. Also, my nose looks bigger than usual here.I realize I need a shot of the front, so I'll post one of those later.

One of the weird things I've found about moving into what truly fits yourself, whether that's butch, femme, etc, is that when I first adopt a new marker of what I feel like I am, it doesn't quite fit yet. It's almost as if, since it's new to me, and I'm paying a lot of attention to it, I feel like everyone else is paying a lot of attention to it, too. It can make you feel very conspicuous, even if whatever the change was isn't that big of a deal, and if you're like me, and don't have the best confidence, it's an awkward, uncomfortable feeling.

I'm still worried that the new "do" is too feminine! Though, really what I think my paranoia is based in is that people still interpret me, as a person, as more feminine than I'd like. So, since I'm focusing on my new hair, and paranoid about the above, now I worry that it's too girly.

I have a feeling, though, since I like my short hair so much, that with a little time, I'll feel more comfortable with it and not be so paranoid.

I can practically feel my skin turning green...

2008-11-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Holocaust survivors are asking the Mormons, AGAIN, to stop posthumously baptizing dead Jews into their faith.

Here's the part I like best:

"We don't think any faith group has the right to ask another to change its doctrines," Wickman said. "If our work for the dead is properly understood ... it should not be a source of friction to anyone. It's merely a freewill offering."

Awww, a freewill offering! Isn't that sweet? You know what, Mormons? Not everyone is jumping up and down to be a part of your family values and your religion. Back the fuck off.

What really gets me is that they really don't understand how offensive this is. Victims of the Holocaust were killed expressly because of their religious heritage, and who are you to take that away? Why don't people understand that there are just some things you don't mess with? I'm not a proponent of organized religion whatsoever, but with something as touchy as the Holocaust, shouldn't you know to leave it alone?

As an atheist, this makes me nervous. I sure as hell don't want any Bible verses said over my dead ass, and I won't stand for any Mormons baptizing me into their idiot religion just so they can feel better. I suppose I better get a tattoo that says "No religious services, please" someplace, just in case I die without my wife and friends to watch out for me.

Protesting 101?

2008-11-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

Hi readers. Does anyone know how to go about getting a permit to demonstrate in a public place?

2008-11-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

At what point should a creepy guy who's been trying to creep his way into your life figure it all out and leave you alone?

A. After you announce your homosexuality in class. Loudly.

B. After you cut your hair off and start wearing cargo shorts and bandannas.

C. After you post emolicious facebook statuses about the ex-girlfriend, vowing only to date lesbians for now on.

D. After you post deliriously happy facebook statuses about new girlfriend, change facebook status to "In a relationship" and post cutesy, kissy-face pictures of said new girlfriend.

E. After you marry, move in with and acquire kitten with girlfriend-now-wife.

F. After you ignore anytime he IM's you, messages you on facebook, or anything else.

G. All of the above?

Hell yeah!

2008-11-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Obama has a website up for the transitional period, change.gov, and it has a place where you can submit your ideas on certain topics! I wrote that the federal government ought to take the lead in protecting minority (read: gay) rights from majority rule.

I have never been so happy to be an American as I am right now.

The protest, but first, some laughs!

2008-11-07T08:12:00.001-08:00

In this article, it appears to have gotten leaked that Sarah Palin "did not understand that Africa was a continent rather than a country; and could not name the three nations that are part of the North American Free Trade Agreement -- the United States, Canada and Mexico."

What three countries are part of North America? CANADA...MEXICO...UNITED STATES. The stupid bitch lives in one of the countries, and RIGHT NEXT TO one of the others!

How fucking dumb do people need their candidates to be? Some seem to be under this delusion that it's good and commendable that their candidates be "normal folk," but if someone has too much education, then their elitist and that's bad!

Well how about instead of a god damned hockey mom, we have candidates who know that Africa is a fucking continent, not a country? Well, at least Obama has degrees from Columbia University and Harvard Law.

Anyway, Wednesday night's protest!

Billie, our roommates Shannon and Woody, and our close friend Ginny, and I went up to West Hollywood with signs that had something reasonable on the front, and GAY RAGE on the back. We listened to some people scream "SI SE PUEDE" (which I had to ask Billie the meaning of, since I'm the whitest motherfucker in California), listened to some folks sing "We shall overcome," and saw the dude get arrested. THEN, the group of 600-1000 decided they'd march to Mormon temple on Santa Monica Blvd. We walked for maybe a mile and a half before deciding it was too far, then went and ate at Hamburger Haven, which was really really good. I'm really glad I went, the protest did a great job of refilling me with righteous indignation. Even though my marriage is safe, that's not the point anymore. The point is that this needs to be extended to the rest of California, indeed the rest of the nation! I hear something is going down in Long Beach tonight.

I'd love to go, but I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK! The homework I've been neglecting for weeks! Ack!

I love Jane's World

2008-11-05T15:16:00.000-08:00

At APE, I met Paige Braddock, who is my new fashion role model. That argyle sweater vest is ROKKIN. I think that haircut might be too short for me, though. Also, that's a sharp watch. I've been clearing out a lot of my old clothes, to make way for new pieces, an overall more masculine look, so I've been looking for inspiration in various places. I've been trying to find ways to make my wardrobe more flexible, so I can dress up and dress down with relative ease. I finally found a great white oxford and a nice pair of dress pants that fit appropriately.

I love winter because that means I get to wear long sleeves, and I LOVE long sleeves. I also love my leather jacket, my scarf collection, my knitted hat, and my gloves. Cold weather signals my birthday, my and Billie's anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, rain, snuggles under blankets, and New Year's, the best holiday.

I might hate Prop 8, but I love November.

Thanks

2008-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who threw such massive support against Prop 8.

Even though America prides itself as a place where freedom, justice, and equality rule, apparently, not for everyone.

Gay rights were viciously put down in Arkansas, Arizona and Florida, though Connecticut defeated the tricks of the right, and will not have an amendment to overturn their recent Supreme Court decision! Congratulations, Tina, Jess, and the rest of Connecticut!

Billie called it a "devilish function." When you have a revelation, and you realize that you want to be this new way, not the old way anymore, but things pop up to oppose and try to defeat you, Buddhists call it a devilish function.

As a historian, I've rejected the "progressivist" view of history, i.e., that society and civilization progress towards a greater good and higher state. Rather, I think civilizations meander, rather than progress. Though this morning, as I held my wife and stroked her hair, I couldn't help but think, "Wait, aren't we supposed to be getting better?"

I don't know what the answer is. Do we progress? Or do we let the tides of popular opinion reign?

Another important question: What is the role of the government to defend minority rights, when the majority is sternly against them?

I have the best life ever.

2008-11-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

So I spent this weekend in Berkeley with my friends and associates for a Halloween party, and then APE 2008 on Saturday. I picked up some amazing comics (both good amazing and bad amazing), and then Sunday, drove home with my close friend and roommate Woody, who was passing out samples of his work at the conference.

But, as awesome as my weekend was, my welcome-home was way. WAY. Better.

My wife made cinnamon-streusel muffins, and lemon cheesecake. Our kitten magically grew while I was away and has seemed to enter Scatter-Cat mode, which I thought wasn't supposed to happen for another 3-4 months...?

Later, Wifey gave me a lovely collection of her thoughts, snippets of lyrics, and things in a small scrapbook about our love. Truth be told, we've had a rough couple of weeks, with plenty of hurt feelings, some resentment, frustration, and rejection. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever recieved. Ever.

THEN, she gave me another of my anniversary presents. Since I'm at work, I can't exactly go to the website and find pictures of the exact items, but let's just say that there was plenty of black lace, and black and red silk involved.

The softest, smoothest skin covered in sheer silk, the curve of an ass, barely contained by a lace hem, her indescribable lips made even fuller and pinker from our kissing, a thong playing around my favorite set of curves, the feel of kitten paws batting my feet...

...then we put Linus in the bathroom. Ahem.

After the sexiest fucking backrub (and frontrub, heh) I've ever experienced, some of the most enthusiastic oral I've ever given, and a mind-blowing orgasm, I would definitely say that Billie and I are back on track. I will admit, I don't yet know how to keep a relationship going when responisbility, stress, heartache, and daily wear and tear set in. But, I think I've picked the perfect person to figure that all out with.

Baby, I love you, and you have an incredible ass.

Like I've said, I hate missing her, but I love coming home to her.

2008-10-31T11:16:00.001-07:00

more animals

2008-10-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

Jessie and Billie go to the opera

2008-10-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

This morning, I have razor burn on my upper lip, and a cigarette burn on my chin. So, my face hurts, but at least it's a good way to lead into shaving and hair maintenance!

Today, Billie and I are going to the Opera of the Pacific to see the Barber of Seville, so I wanted to look snazzy. I'll be wearing my new white oxford from Old Navy, red and gray striped sweater vest, black tie, leather jacket and new dress shoes. I've got my hair slicked back a bit, parted on the side, very unlike my usual "I just woke up and this is what happened" hair style.

And this morning in the shower, I shaved. I don't shave my legs, I shave my face. I've got a handful of little reddish hairs that grow in a tiny line along my chin, but I started shaving well before those little guys started popping up. I've always had bad skin, and a lot of acne scarring and on-going breakouts make my face feel rough and gross. However, my skin always feels nicer after I shave. Smooth, soft, and very touchable. I also like the ritual of it. I've got some special glycerin soap I use just for my face, a nice razor, and some good after-shave lotion.

I shave my armpits, too, because there's absolutely nothing I hate worse than armpit stubble. I hate it.

However, as I discussed in my seven-little-known-facts post, I really get a kick out of my leg hair. I had no idea it would come in so long, so dense, and in so many colors.*

I really wish I would have stopped shaving my legs sooner. My introduction into shaving was a traumatic one. My leg hair was perfectly blond and fine, but could not slip past the girls at my junior high unnoticed. The girls in my PE class bothered me mercilessly about it, until I finally acquiesced. I ended up cutting the fuck out of myself, and I still have the scar on my ankle to this day. The girls didn't care though. I did what they wanted, and I fit their mold, so it was all OK.

I'd been shaving less and less frequently, until Billie told me "You know...you don't have to do that, I'm perfectly happy with you fuzzy." And I stopped altogether. I found it strange that it took permission from my wife to stop shaving. Though I've always hated doing it, I still felt obligated to, because that's how women are expected to be. It felt as though my dating-girls and ex girlfriends would be disgusted if my legs were hairy, even though I was more masculine than them.

So, fellow butches, what feminine-typical things do you still have hang ups about?

*Imagine my dismay, when after fostering my new leg hair for about three weeks, I had to shave part of one again to get my newest tattoo!

Atheism and the "closet"

2008-10-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

The reason I never spell god with a capital g, and never have since I was in high school, is because I'm an unrepentant atheist. Not since I was in elementary school have I felt like I had a deep, real belief that there is a god. I tried for years to convince myself that I could at least kinda believe in god, but I have never been able to do it. I always felt like I was trying to deliberately trick myself into something I knew wasn't right, kinda like the time I tried going on a date with a dude.

Frankly, I don't understand how anyone who has studied the history of ancient religions and the growth of the Christian church could possibly believe in any of it. For me, it is impossible to separate my knowledge of all the ways Judaism and Christianity have been invented, formed and sculpted into what it is now and any possible I might have had, or might reclaim at some point. Add evolution in, for that matter. I cannot possibly believe that any of it is real, when I've got a mountain of evidence saying that god didn't create the Earth in seven days, that Judaism borrowed the concepts of the eternal soul, angels, the afterlife, and demons, from Zoroastrianism and other sources.

I'm personally not sure whether or marvel and, or pity, people who can suspend their intelligent, logical, rational minds, minds that know just about everything I know about the matter, and still go to church and feel like it's real. It doesn't make sense that not only can these people suspend their logic and just believe, but then suppose they can take rules and regulations from an ancient desert tribe, and possibly believe that they apply to the present.

However, as sure as I am of my thoughts and feelings on this subject, it's easy for me to feel threatened and looked down upon by the Christian majority, whether or not they know I'm an atheist. They can easily make me feel like I'm a lesser being for the way I believe. And you know why?

To a lot of people, I'm not out of the atheist closet.

I'm sure any of my readers who have gone through the coming process know the great Light At the End of the Tunnel that is gay pride. That's when we get to say, "Look, I'm done with the process of self-discovery, gotten over any internalize homophobia, and renewed myself as a gay individual, and now I get to be PROUD of it, god damn it!" If you're gay, and not familiar with the Cass Identity Model, you might be surprised to find yourself saying "...hey...I know what that's talking about!"

I would propose that atheists and agnostics go through a fairly similar process of identity discovery, or at least I did. I would also say that I've gone through the entire process. Atheism is now one aspect of my personality, though I wouldn't particularly say that my distaste of Christianity has lessened. However, when I find that I have to come out of the atheist closet all over again, I find myself going through some of the stages again.

"Well, I'm agnostic...I believe in a spiritual life..."

"Well, there could be a god, I'm just not sure..."

"You know, I'm not the only one, like 12% of Americans are, too."

And on and on.

For instance, I'm still not out to my mom on this front. I think my sister pretty much knows, but I don't think my dad does either. My mom is still pushing for me and Billie to have a pastor present at our wedding, and scoffs at the idea of us having a Buddhist ceremony, even though Billie is far more devoted to Buddhism than I've been to anything (besides the study of history), ever. So, I'm faced with a choice. Either I come out of the atheist closet to my mom, or I dodge the bullet and tell her that we couldn't find a pastor who would marry us, and that I didn't really want one anyway.

Hm.

Wifey is always telling me that it's important to be as out as possible, usually meaning as a lesbian, but I think it's just as important to be as out as possible as a liberal, and as an atheist. If for nothing else, it's important for people to know that people like us (whether that "us" means homosexuals, atheists, liberals, etc) out there, and that we're real, living in your communities, and not just hiding away in ivory towers.

It's just hard, ya know?

Prop 8, again

2008-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

I pitched in another donation to the No on 8 campagin, this time to 8against8, today.

I'm really sick of this whole thing. The tension this has created in my mind, building a wall of sorts between me and everyone I casually encounter on a daily basis, is palpable. All I can think when I go to the store is "What is she voting? I wonder if she really does hate us..." Wifey always says it's important to be as out as you possibly can, and I agree. People where I live, in Buena Park/Anaheim, probably don't even think any gay people live there. In their minds, we're all holed up in West Hollywood or San Francisco. If they see us at the grocery store, joking around, holding hands, smiling, fighting over whether to get store brand or name brand bagels, they might not think we're all that scary.

But still, I'm tired to feeling like this. I haven't felt this scrutinized, paranoid and tense since I first started coming out. It felt like everywhere I went, people knew. Why did that lady just give me a second look at the check out line at Target? She must KNOW!!

And I'm starting to feel the same way. By my appearence and mannerisms, it's really, really easy to figure out my sexuality, and I feel more scrutinized about it than ever before.

I'm gonna go hole up in my big soft bed with my wife and kitten. Wake me when it's over!

New kitten!

2008-10-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

asdfnkruafdfds

My brain has melted from the cute. Look at that teeny tiny face. Look at it.

I'm Linus! I have two mommies!

On an unrelated note...

2008-10-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have the best wife ever. She got me a kitten for our anniversary. Yes. A kitten. An ADORABLE kitten who I haven't met yet, but am already in love with. He's two months old, weighs two pounds (maybe a little less after his neutering today), has huge ears and a white muzzle. Oh, and if that wasn't mind blowing enough, he has blue eyes.

All I've seen of him so far is a black and white picture, and it's TORTURE! He looks a little like the one above, but way cuter with bigger ears.

His potential names are Crackers, Linus, Presto or Herbie, depending on his personality. I'm way in favor of Crackers.

He's getting neutered today, so we can either pick him up this evening, or tomorrow afternoon.

By the way, I'm excited.

I shouldn't have come, I'm endagering the mission!

2008-10-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by femmeismygender!

The Rules are:

1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are my "facts"

1. I know way too much about the Department of Energy, thanks to my job.

2. I just started going to therapy, and I really like it! My therapist is a lesbian, and really easy to talk to.

3. I haven't "come out" of the atheist closet to my family yet.

4. My leg hair is extremely fascinating to me. It's a variety of colors, from blond to red to dark brown.

5. I tried to teach myself flamenco guitar in high school. I still have a lot of the right-hand techniques, and it makes my rock and blues playing really interesting sometimes. I actually didn't start playing with a pick until a couple years ago.

6. I have a Star Wars themed half-sleeve tattoo planned in my mind.

7. One of my favorite times was when my family went on vacation right after I went on a road trip. When I got back, I had three or four days when they weren't there. I slept in a big bed with the dogs, first discovered how much I liked to cook, and cross-dressed the entire time. It was heaven.

Everybody I know has been tagged!!

I get misty, just holding your hand

2008-10-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

I really can't express how much I love her, and how much I appreciate her. Slowly, but surely, she's teasing out the real me, and every time a new part is exposed, I know I'm safe with her, and she'll accept me for what I am, because I give her myself with all honesty.

I love you, baby. You're my love song.

2008-10-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks to learning more about my wife's Buddhism, and understanding the process of becoming an adult, I'm starting to learn the value of taking responsibility for one's circumstances.

And since I like Tina so much, I'm following her example.

I take responsibility for:

1. Enabling my mom to think that her alcohol use is OK.
2. Being overweight.
3. Causing Billie stress and anxiety about parts of our relationship.
4. My current low gas-mileage, due to need of an oil change.
5. The fact that I haven't gotten shit done on my thesis prospectus.
6. Making my job even more unbearable with a bad attitude.

Something as simple as sitting...

2008-10-13T15:59:00.001-07:00

My mom is ALWAYS telling me to sit like a lady. I used to comply, but I don't anymore, for obvious reasons: I love to irritate my mom with my gender expression, and I'm definitely not a lady!

I spent some time today thinking about posture, and what it says about a person. A person who's laying back in their chair could be relaxed, idle, lazy, or tired. A person sitting straight up might be trying to convey anything from superiority to attentiveness in class. So, what does "sitting like a lady" express, and how does that differ from "sitting like a guy"?

The first thing I notice about sitting like a lady is the leg-cross. Women are taught to cross their legs at the thigh. I'm sure some of our strong femmes out there can use this display of seeming modesty as a symbol of their own power over their bodies, or perhaps as a display of ironic flirtation, as the hem of a skirt might ride over the knee, or expose a swath of thigh, while protecting from view the parts you *really* want to see.

After all, isn't that part of the point of lingerie? *cough*

In any case, I would never deny anyone the modes of their gender that they're accustomed and comfortable with. But to me, crossing my legs, sitting like a lady, keeping my hands in my lap, feels like I'm trying to make myself as small as possible, as out of the way, out of sight. I think some of that might go back to my problems with vulnerability I discussed earlier. Making yourself smaller indicates that you might be trying to hide.

I dunno...I just don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable.

I saw my male friends, freshly entering puberty, sprawling like kings in their chairs, and I thought "That's what I want!" I don't even know if I have much more to say about this, actually! It's been interesting finding pieces of my reluctant femininity that I've shed along the way, but I don't think posture has ever been an area where I needed to "find myself" in a gendered way. Back in high school and jr. high, I walked with my head down, hiding, watching for cracks, both because I was horribly clumsy and would trip on anything on the ground, and was also a bit OCD when it came to stepping on things. Now, I walk with my shoulders back, head held high because of my own confidence. I know that positioning myself within my correct gender presentation has added to my self-confidence, but that's not the only thing.

Thanks to my new readers! I appreciate the comments!

Prop 8

2008-10-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hi readers, even though there aren't many of you, I'm worried. Proposition 8 is gaining support because of the lies and venom the supporters are spewing all over the airwaves.

They're saying that churches could be sued and prosecuted for not marrying homosexuals. That's not true.

They're saying that churches could lose their tax-free status. Even though I think that's total bullshit, that's not true either!

They're saying that California's children will be endangered. Except for the children of gay Californians, who might not have the same benefits and protections of their peers, that isn't true either.

This is all a bunch of bullshit, and I'm so utterly depressed that the selfishness of a segment of the population could be so overwhelming. If you're not gay, then it's none of your business.

If you want to donate (I think I've donated $150 so far), then head over to Lesbian Dad, because she's got an online campaign going on to raise money. There's a link over to the right!

Thanks everyone!

Being the "guy" in the relationship

2008-10-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

This post was initially written over at the blog my wife, Billie and I share at Unpack The U-Haul. Though I'm certain I'll have much more to say on this later, I had some good things to say about this topic earlier, so I thought I might re-post it here.

I own no bras. I wear undershirts. I love my hair product. I rejoice when I find pants with a 30-inch inseam in the men's section over at Target. My mother shakes her head in disappointment every time she sees me. Waiters always hand me the check and the wine list, and mechanics always ask me "So where do you get your work done?" when we take Billie's car in for repairs.

I'm butch. Butch for SoCal, anyway. I've been told there are different levels...or something. I don't have any work boots, but I have many polo shirts. And right now, I'm going to take this time to reflect on being a masculine woman, what it means to me, and what it seems to mean to others.

I think one of the big misconceptions some people have is that in a relationship that involves two women, where one is butch, that the butch one wants to be a man, and that the other woman wishes she was with a man. While I don't get mistaken for a guy very often anymore*, I purposefully do everything in my power to diminish my feminine qualities. This however doesn't mean I'm not a woman. I think it calls for a redefinition of what it means to be a woman, beyond simply having feminine features and characteristics.** I'm not going to propose a redefinition right now, but I might say that the things that make me a woman include my cooperative, fluid, attitude. I'm rarely aggressive and dominant (outside of the bedroom). I love to cook and provide for people.***

I also happen to really like my vagina and all its parts. I've never equated my own womanhood with my ability (presumed ability, I've never tried it out) to have children. Maybe it's because I knew from an early age that I wouldn't be involved in the whole baby thing. Maybe it's because being able to have kids seems like a small part of a person's overall potential as a human being. In any case, I don't recall ever having the urge to procreate using my own parts.

While I told Billie that if we wanted kids, and she wasn't able to have them, that I'd do the work, the thought of bearing children makes me uncomfortable in a strange way. It's been a long road, with many battles fought (mostly with my mom, some with myself) to arrive at my current gender presentation. I really like the person I am right now. I have the aspects of masculinity that I like, my hair is finally at the right length, and I like to wear boxers. I felt deeply uncomfortable looking feminine, and it was impossible for me to display my masculine qualities while I was still living with my parents. The resulting compromise between me and my mother resulted in a really unfortunate asexual, genderless appearance, which lead to me getting absolutely no play until I was 19. Somehow, being pregnant seems like it would invalidate all the work I've done to individualize myself and finally reconcile the inner Me and the outer Me.

I will admit, on the other hand, that I'm still terribly insecure, especially about this particular issue, so perhaps by the time me and the girlfriend-future-wifey want kidlets, I'll have the mental fortitude to be able to do that without feeling like I'm defeating myself.

ANYWAY, Billie isn't dating me because she really wants to be with a guy, and I happened to be handy. I don't dress this way because I want to be a man, I just want to be me. In actuality, when I was in college, learning about my butchness, I had a phase where I considered the possibility that I was transsexual. I'm pretty sure now that this wasn't because I'm actually transsexual (which I'm not) but born more of the fear of being a masculine woman. It was as if changing my sex would somehow validate my gender, and that being a butch woman somehow didn't "work."

According to MY family, anything was better than being a butch woman. Cough.

You know what else I hate? When people ask "So which one of you is 'the dude'"? First of all, you should be able to tell the difference between my inches of hair, and Billie's feet of hair.**** Secondly, you know what else? We're both women, there are no dudes involved, that's kind of The Point.

Another thing I hate: Yes, we use a strap on. No, it's not because either of us is secretly craving penis. Even though my hands are perfectly adept at playing piano, bass, guitar and saxophone, they're a bit dainty. They're good with the g-spot, but can't really deliver that "full" feeling. That's where The Nightstick comes in.

It's been a real task for me to become comfortable with my masculine qualities, and I think I've come out a more confident person at the end of it. I don't know if there will be a journey to rediscover (or discover for the first time) any more feminine qualities I might have, but I don't think it will be for some time. In any instance, I'm perfectly happy with my presentation, clothes, characteristics. The balance of masculine and feminine that makes me me.

I can't think of much else to reflect on right now, so if I think of something, I'll come back and talk to you all more about it.

*See me, junior high - high school.
**I'm not going to take the time to list my masculine attributes, but let's say that they involve my biceps, love for video games and collection of swords.
** Also note that I'm not saying that men do not have these characteristics. I just happen to think that these things make me a woman.
****Yes, that was a joke.

In an effort to keep this rolling...

2008-10-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to necissarily be posting serious topics all the time, and in an effort to keep this blog rolling along, a survey stolen from greg.

If you HAD to have someone's name tattooed on, whose would it be? My wifey's, or JRR Tolkien

How many states have you lived in? Just California

Are you allergic to anything? Nothing that I know of! I used to be allergic to grass, but that's gone away.

What did you do to get your first detention? Nothing! I was a good kid.

Who did you kiss at midnight on New Year's eve? My love-a-ly wifey.

How did you spend 4th of July for the past three years? Going to Helendale with Mom and Boyfriend-In-Law

Have you ever been taken to the ER in an ambulance? No, I've never been in an ambulance

Is your bathroom clean? Not right now...

Who did you last share a taxi ride with? Mom, Dad and Lindsey in Mexico, years ago.

Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? Nope.

Where were you born, and how old were your parents? Laguna Nigel, 27 and 30

Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind? A mixture of both. It used to be more on the heart side, but I'm learning the place of the mind!

Are you a cat or a dog person? Both, in copious amounts.!

Do you know someone in the war? Yes, though I don't think he's deployed right now.

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon? Working

Did you get at least eight hours of sleep last night? Sometimes? It's never enough though.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yes

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes

Have you ever been out of your country? Just Mexico so far. :(

Do you have a Honda, Toyota or Nissan? None of the above, I have a Mazda 3

What time did you wake up this morning? 6:50

When was the last time you were really sick? Probably 6 months ago.

What are you planning to be for Halloween? I might be Axel Rose, since the wife is going as Slash, but I've got other things on my mind too. I was Han Solo last year, and it was a great costume. I might try something like that again.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Not really, no.

Does it matter to you if your bf/gf smokes cigs? No, it doesn't bother me too much, but only 1-2 a day, at the most.

Do you get along better with guys or girls? I think I get along with everyone the same. I have a fluid personality, and I seem to get along with almost any crowd.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes, many!

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? One person in particular, yes. :)

What would happen if you married the last person you kissed? Done and done.

Who was the last person to text you? The wifey

Who was the last person to really make you laugh? Again, the wife

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? No, that's a little bit of overkill.

Have you kissed someone in the past week? Yes, the wifey.

Will your next kiss be a mistake? Definitely not!

When was the last time you saw your grandpa? Yesterday!

Do you know anyone with cancer? Yes

Who was the last person you talked to in person? Intern #2

Who was your last missed call on your cell phone? Lindsey, yesterday

Do you drink tea? As often as I want to!

Have you ever been out past curfew? Wha?

Are you happy? I'm at work. Not particularly.

Is your room clean? Noooot really. We're still unpacking!

Has anyone got on your nerves lately? She's doing it right now.

What was the last movie you saw and with who? Jeeze, I don't even remember!

Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions? No, but I wouldn't mess them up, either.

Do you watch a lot of TV? Not particularly. I will flip around and find a show on BBC, National Geographic, the Health Channel or whatever, and watch that. The only show I actually watch religiously is No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain

What are you wearing? Jeans and my newno2 shirt.

Are you tan? Quite the opposite.

Do you have unlimited texting? Yes, thankfully.

Where is your sister/brother right now? My sister is in Murrieta, at my dad's house.

Would you ever dye your hair blonde? I dyed it a reddish color once a while ago, but I don't want to again

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? No, half of my face was smooshed on the pillow.

Where did you sleep last night? In my delicious, wonderful bed, next to my delicious, wonderful wife.

Did you have a good day yesterday? Yes! I woke up late, hung out with my baby, then went to see my Grandpa for his birthday. Then I came home, built a dresser for wifey, and was fed capellini ricotta for my efforts!

Do you currently have a hickey? No

Have you ever tripped on the bathroom rug? No, actually

If your ex called you right now and said they wanted you back, what would you say? I wouldn't be talking, I would be running.

Do you have friends? In droves!

When did this all start?

2008-10-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I might as well start from the beginning, right?

I'll be the first to admit that I have, and have always had, an overdeveloped sense of fantasy. Since I was little, I've been a daydreamer, easily letting fantasies and stories play themselves out in my mind. When I was young, my favorite movie was Sleeping Beauty, and because of that, the character of the Prince, the young man who is the hope of his family, who will lead and interesting, adventuresome life, is capable and free spirited, and will eventually become the head of his household, captured my mind.

All the other little girls wanted to be princesses, but I wanted to be the prince. I wanted the sword, the shield, the horse, and the mission to save the princess.

When my mom asked the school counselor at Avaxat Elementary School why I played with boy's toys, didn't like dolls, and absolutely refused to wear a skirt, the counselor said "It's because little boys have more fun." I knew I had more fun doing boy's things than girl's things because I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it. And while that's true, that little boys have more fun, I also think I knew I was rejecting femininity in exchange for what really fit.

As strange as it sounds, I think this is the catalyst that led me to embrace my masculine energy. For reasons I cannot remember, I learned to associate girls and women with vulnerability, and the fact that as a girl, I was therefore lumped into that adjective, made me deeply uncomfortable. It still does. The reason the character of the Prince appealed to me so much was because he was invulnerable. He wore armor, he was strong, and could kill dragons at will.

Later in middle school, when I was forced to learn that my tomboy-ness was not allowed to go beyond elementary school, and I entered a strange asexual, androgynous phase that wouldn't abate until college, it changed. I saw that the other girls around me, the ones who adopted the feminine traits that puberty encourages, could use their feminine ways to be strong, though it was the junior-high kind of strong: making fun of those who didn't fit in, who didn't wear make up, who didn't have trendy clothes, and knowing that they had a certain power over the boys in our classes. Since there was very little room for masculine females in my social space, at school or at home, I feel like I was straining to get as far to the masculine side of the gender spectrum as I could, all the while, compromising with myself to remain somewhat socially excepted as a girl.

I was still deeply uncomfortable, feeling as feminine as I was made to feel during my junior high and high school years. Even more uncomfortable and vulnerable when my mom made me wear my hair down. My hair, up until a few years ago, was always very long, and ALWAYS pulled back in a ponytail. It wasn't until recently that I realized that my hair was a symbol of the compromise I had to make with myself. It was long because women have long hair, but I kept it back because if I wore it back, it seemed like it could be short, and it was out of my face. When I was forced to wear it down (and my backpack and pockets were searched for a spare ponytail holder), I felt extremely vulnerable. It always got in the way, got tangled in my backpack, was in my face, and really felt cumbersome. You know how you develop a picture of yourself in your mind? My mental self-picture NEVER included long hair.

And besides, how do you manage a sword if your hair is all in the way?

Anyway, the image of the "Prince" has continued to resonate with me, and I continued to daydream. Now, I know that vulnerability isn't a bad thing, and that there are other ways of being strong besides those involving steel, but I still have a growing sword collection. I think that because that image is still in my mind, I won't be satisfied until I can fulfill it in some way. I think in a way, because that's what I wanted when I was younger, the only answer to the question of "What's my gender?" HAS to be a masculine one. It's the only answer that will satisfy me.

What this is all about

2008-09-19T16:06:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm Jessie, welcome to my blog. I'm a 24-year-old married lesbian, a grad student in medieval history, a musician, and an aspiring chef.

I'll just dive right into what I'm wanting to explore with this outlet. In addition to all of my goals, my constant aspiration is to be myself. I've come to realize, in the past few years, that what "myself" means, is a masculine, butch, transmasculine, or whatever term you'd like to use, woman*. I had my transgendered-freak-out-session in college, and came out the other end deciding that I was not in fact a transgendered person, but rather, a butch woman.

On a blog I read regularly, The Sugarbutch Chronicles, Sinclair argues for (rather convincingly, I might add) interpreting butch as a trans identity, though the way he's talking about it doesn't seem to capture what I think. That would be, I consider "butch" an identity one needs to transition into.

Rare is the family that will allow the tomboy to run amok without some kind of pressure to conform. Who (in the transmasculine world) hasn't heard urgings from their parents to wear a dress to church, sit like a lady, wear a skirt to school (with bike shorts underneath as a compromise), wear long hair, use a purse, etc? What this all means for me, personally, is a long process of undoing an even longer process of self-suppression, compromising my identity and a pervasive feeling of awkward asexuality.

Allow me to describe myself, maybe five years ago. I wore my hair, which was about down to the middle of my shoulder blades, in a pony tail at all times. I wore non-descript, poorly fitting, androgynous clothing, was awkward about my sexuality, unschooled in women, sex, and love. I got over compromising about my hair with my mom (having to talk her out of making me get highlights...again), but hadn't broken free enough to do anything about it. Then, I decided to cut it short, but cut it in a slightly feminine, still androgynous way. If you look at my myspace pictures, you'll see a continuum of ever-shorter, and increasingly masculine hair. Right now, it's still longish, but it's long for a boy, short for a girl.

Hey, I've got great hair, I'm not about to go buzz it all off!

Skip to me now, and my clothing has improved dramatically, I'd say. My comfort in my own skin has grown by leaps and bounds, and I know how to deal with women. I can be a gentleman, and I look hot in a butch-library-historian style. However, I'm still growing into this new (or old?) skin. I got my first tie from a proper store rather recently, (IE not a thrift store), but I haven't had to the guts to wear it out yet with my nice new shirt. That, and, the wifey and I have been too busy to go someplace nice. I don't know when I'll feel "grown up" enough in this whole butch thing to be comfortable enough to get a suit and wear it... in front of other people!! Gasp!

So, to sum this all up, this journal is going to be a history of, and recounting of the ongoing process of, becoming butch. I'll talk about things as fun and lighthearted as sensible lesbian shoes, short hair, and tribal arm bands, and hopefully come to some more serious territory, as well.

See you next time!

*Please note that I'll be using "transmasculine" as it's more inclusive, and easier to type that "masculine identified, female bodied person".